Working with your parts can help you heal.
Image of shodows of various people on a wall. Photo by Marco Bianchetti on Unsplash
You are made up of many parts.
That seems pretty straightforward but I think it can be a really helpful framework for addressing difficult emotions, thoughts, urges and behaviors and moving toward healing. I use parts language with my clients as part of a therapy modality called Internal Family Systems (IFS).
You already intuitively use a parts framework. A couple of examples:
It’s Friday afternoon and some friends invite you out. You are on the fence. A part of you really wants to blow off some steam and see your friends, but a part of you really wants to stay home and relax on the couch. You can observe both of these experiences and have both of them at the same time. You might struggle with what to do. Or:
You might notice that you are of two minds around someone you work with: a part of you really respects their technical skills and abilities but another part of you gets really irritated with their lack of people skills. You find yourself getting caught up in frustration and struggling around this. You can observe that you feel conflicted toward your colleague and struggle with how to act because of it. Part of you really appreciates them and part of you wants to yell at them. And perhaps another part is worried you’re overreacting and even another part is saying just shut up and get on with your work!
It can be a bit of a new concept to consider this but we are actually made up of many parts. We have parts of ourselves that like new experiences, that get anxious, that worry about money, that get angry with our spouse, etc. Often these parts of ourselves react to what’s going on around us or react to other parts.
Sometimes it seems like we spend a lot of time being influenced by a specific part. So, if you notice a lot of anxiety, you could also describe it as a part of you is always feeling anxious and is often reacting to what is going on. That anxious part of you might also convince you to stay home, to not try new things, to avoid challenging situations, etc. You might even say that no matter what is happening, a part of you always feels anxious.
All parts are trying to help
An important principle to hold onto when considering the idea of having parts is that there aren’t any bad parts of you. Consider ice cream. You may know that ice cream should be an occasional treat, but a part of you knows that if you are having a rough day, ice cream will make you feel better. Even though ice cream may be a problematic way to handle emotions, this ice cream eating part just wants you to feel better.
If a part of you fears being abandoned by someone you love, that part will encourage you to do whatever you can to not be abandoned, even if it isn’t effective and causes more stress in the relationship. This abandonment part might have an irrational fear of being abandoned but in the moment it is just trying to prevent this really painful thing from happening. One goal of working with parts in therapy is to understand these parts and help heal them so that relationships feel less scary and you eat ice cream because it is delicious rather than to manage your feelings.
There are different kinds of parts and it can be helpful to consider their qualities.
Managers
Think of a manager as a hard working part that is trying to keep things from becoming a problem. A great example of a manager would be a part of you that worries a lot. That part is constantly working, always thinking about what might go wrong and trying to figure out how to keep things from getting worse. Remember, a part is just trying to be helpful so a worry part will try to help you stay out of trouble. However, if you worry a lot you know that sometimes this part of you will worry even when there is nothing to worry about. And, having a part that worries all the time can feel like an exhausting struggle.
Firefighters
The main job of a firefighter is to put out a fire. Sometimes that means breaking down doors and crashing through windows and even causing water damage in a building. Their job is to stop the fire, regardless of the collateral damage. Firefighter parts work in similar ways - their main job is to help you not feel pain, even if it also causes serious damage or consequences. Addictions are a great example of firefighter parts. If you begin to feel emotional pain, a firefighter part will encourage you to use a substance to stop feeling the pain, even though there might be serious consequences to this.
Exiles
Think about a time you felt anxious even though you knew everything was actually OK. If we use parts language we could say that a part of you goes through life feeling anxious and fearful. Even though things might be fine, this part of you holds this burden: that the world is not safe, that people will abandon you, etc. These exiles can feel stuck in how they feel and it can seem like there is no way to help them feel better. Often working with trauma means working with exiles who hold major burdens.
Unburdened parts
It’s important to remember that we aren’t just made up of parts that struggle. We also have the parts that want to engage in life. The part of us that seeks out adventure, the part that loves connection with others, the part that loves waffles for breakfast. In fact, one way to look at ourselves is that we are made up of lots of parts, all of which want the best for us, but some of which hold burdens that keep them struggling.
How working with parts can help
It’s all about family.
A key component of Internal Family Systems (IFS) is the term “family.” IFS encourages us to relate to our internal experience as not just a collection of separate parts but instead, like a family. And like many families, there are members who want some love and attention, members who get ignored and members who don’t get along.
In family therapy, we often are working to hear from members who may not get the chance to speak, to help understand the needs of all family members, and to help resolve conflicts and improve communication with family members.
In IFS we are using a similar method of relating to internal parts. Learning to listen to our parts, understand what they fear and what they need is an important part of the work. Being able to notice and give attention to parts of ourselves that are scared or angry is important, as is helping these parts of ourselves heal.
How to start working with parts
I often hear clients ask how to get rid of anxiety or to stop feeling angry. While I understand the sentiment, I think IFS can help by offering a different approach. When you notice that a part of you feels angry or anxious or some other way, it can be an opportunity to be curious and identify what you really need in the moment. Here’s a simple way to try this approach.
Start with language
Simply shifting how you describe your experience by describing it with parts can help create some distance and foster curiosity. Notice the difference in these two statements:
I am really angry.
I’m noticing a part of me feels really angry.
Just adding those words begins to separate the “you” that can calmly observe this (we call that “you” the “self”) from the part of you that is angry. This space can be powerful and allow you to interact differently with this angry part of you.
Get curious, try some compassion
Begin to culivate a little curiosity - why is this part of you feeling this way? Explore what it’s like to be attentive and listen. Try not to judge or push away the anger or anxiety but become open to understanding it, almost as if you were paying attention to a family member that you love but who is feeling unseen.
You can even ask that part of yourself - what do you need right now? And then listen to see what shows up. Doing this can often help your parts calm down a bit and you can gain perspective on what is actually going on.
Therapy can help you work with your parts
For some people, it can be really hard to create some space from a part and build some curiosity and compassion. Therapy can be a great place to work deeply with your parts and to help unburden and heal them. Often parts show up around trauma and working with a trained therapist can be a healthy way to understand these parts and help them heal from trauma.
The concept of parts may seem unusual and yet familiar at the same time. It can be a great way to learn to relate to your internal experience differently and struggle less. Working with your parts ultimately can influence your behaviors and relationships. When parts feel seen and understood, life can be more about living and less about struggle.