How can you support someone who has experienced trauma?

Image of two people with cups of coffee. Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Perhaps you have a friend or family member who recently experienced something traumatic and is having trouble feeling better. Or maybe you know someone who has a long history of childhood trauma and they still struggle with it today. It can be tough to know how to engage with someone you care about when they’ve experienced trauma, especially if it shows up in your relationship with them.

What is trauma?

I think it is important to differentiate between an ordinary difficult experience and trauma. We all have challenging and painful experiences. And, typically, we recover from them. Our brains work to process what happened to us and while we may have an unpleasant memory of what happened, it no longer has the same effect on us that it did when it occurred. We can talk about it as something that happened in the past. The psychological pain subsides as we heal.

Trauma is a psychological injury. 

Trauma happens when the brain is unable to process a challenging experience. Rather than just being a memory of what happened, the person who experienced the trauma continues to experience the pain of what happened as well. This can happen years after the initial experience and can show up in a variety of ways. 

Trauma can occur after a single incident like a car accident or after a series of experiences like childhood bullying. It can also occur vicariously - witnessing violence happen to others can also be traumatic, even if you’re not the victim.

What does trauma look like?

By definition, trauma is intrusive. This means that things may actually be just fine in the present moment but something (an image, sound, scent, interaction, etc.) will trigger the memory and the emotions attached to it. While things may actually be OK in the present moment, the person who is being triggered can have an emotional reaction that seems to not fit the situation or seems way bigger than the situation warrants. Emotional experiences from the past intrude on the present. 

There are different kinds of trauma responses. Some individuals become activated when they are triggered, becoming anxious, angry, agitated, etc.. Others shut down and become depressed, silent, or appear distant (dissociated). 

While trauma reactions can be big emotional outbursts, they can also show up as more low-key irritability or tenseness. Trauma reactions can show up in the body with physical symptoms and also during sleep as nightmares or night terrors. 

Often trauma reactions can show up in what seem like ordinary moments. You’re having a conversation with someone and they react in a way that seems out of line or out of proportion with what may have occurred. Something in the present triggered them and they are responding from a traumatized place. 

How can you help?

What isn’t helpful.

It’s important to remember that when someone you care about has been triggered, their nervous system has become dysregulated. Even if everything around them is safe, they don’t feel safe but instead may feel fearful, vigilant, or on edge.

What isn’t likely to be helpful is trying to problem solve what is happening, use logic to make sense or things, or ask for explanations of what is going on. While your mind is actively working on understanding what is happening, their mind is feeling threatened and trying to figure out how to feel safe again. 

Reacting to someone who is experiencing a trauma reaction is understandable - if suddenly they are shouting or reacting in anger to you, the automatic reaction might be to respond in kind. However, this escalation won’t help. The other person is reacting from a dysregulated nervous system and not from what may actually be happening right now.

One other caveat: once someone has moved back into a calm place after having a traumatic reaction, you might want to ask them about what happened, why they are feeling upset, what caused this in the first place, etc. You can certainly ask if they would like to talk about what is happening but be supportive if they choose not to discuss it. Recounting traumatic material can actually cause more trauma. Respect that they might not be ready to talk or discuss painful memories. For some, moving toward feeling safe is the best course of action.

What is helpful.

The most important support you can provide to someone who has experienced trauma is to help them feel safe. Since trauma is about a past intrusive memory showing up in the present, helping the person find some grounding in the present and supporting them in regulating their nervous system is what is most important.

It’s important to check in and see what the person needs, rather than guess. They might just need to slow things down and pause for a bit so they can soothe themselves. Sometimes they might need some help from you. Check with them first and find out.

There are a variety of ways that you can help someone know that they are OK here in the present moment. Just your quiet presence can be soothing to someone. Relaxation breathing, smelling something pleasant, a gentle touch to get them back into the present moment, all of these can help.

If someone you care about has been triggered in the past it’s OK to ask what might be helpful to them if it happens again. Debriefing about a previous experience (once they are feeling more regulated) and learning what might be most useful is OK. Sometimes it is helpful to come up with a specific plan of what you can do to support them in the future.

Remember that your job isn’t to help them heal from trauma. Your job is to support them. When they are feeling more calm and grounded, you can encourage them to get help if they feel ready. Therapy can help with building capacity to feel safe and also to process traumatic experiences so that they are less painful. Specific therapy interventions such as EMDR can be highly effective in treating trauma and building a capacity to feel safe.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself.

Supporting someone who has experienced trauma can be really tough. You might be exhausted from conversations that turn into fights or experiencing really scary moments with someone you care about. While you can always choose to be supportive, it is also important to identify what boundaries you need to maintain your own health. 

What does this look like? Consider where you can be helpful and what feels overwhelming to you or where you might become traumatized yourself. Boundaries are important here - consider being really clear on how you can help and offer support and what you aren’t able to do. Remember that if there are things that you can’t do that other resources, such as therapy, are available.