Radical acceptance: How to face things you cannot change.
Photo by Caleb Jones on Unsplash
Happy New Year!
I hope it is off to a great start and that if you made any resolutions for the new year they are going well. Resolutions are always about change - I resolve to change something in my life that I want to do more of, do less of, start doing, etc. There are lots of ideas about how you can make change happen in your life and you can read more about that here, here and here.
Ultimately, however, we all face things that we cannot change. We experience relationships, life situations, work situations, etc. that for a variety of reasons we must continue to face, even though they can be unpleasant, distressing or exhausting. It could be:
a work situation that is unbearable but that you cannot leave
a relationship that is frustrating and exhausting but that you must engage in
a health issue that won’t improve or resolve.
I want to offer hope that even with challenges in your life that seem unbearable there is something that you can do.
Radical acceptance
One of the most useful concepts I’ve learned in my trainings as a therapist has been the concept of radical acceptance. Radical acceptance originates from a therapy modality called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). DBT is a helpful framework for building satisfying relationships, becoming more mindful and handling strong emotions in more effective ways.
Here’s a simple definition of radical acceptance: radical acceptance is about fully and completely accepting a situation as it is in your mind, your heart, and in your body. It’s about learning to accept things in a way that leads to less struggle and more peace of mind. It’s not about resignation or giving up, it’s about working with your personal reaction to the situation that you cannot currently change.
What are you accepting?
I think it can be helpful to clarify the concept of acceptance. I’ll use a challenging work situation as an example. I work with a lot of people who aren’t happy with their jobs and who can’t leave their jobs at the moment. It could be because of finances or the job market or a variety of other reasons, but the fact is that they are miserable and cannot change their job situation at this time.
Acceptance isn’t about giving up on your job search, or resigning yourself to your situation never changing. You can still continue your job search, network, build employable skills, and whatever other actions might actually lead to the change that you want.
Radical acceptance is about how to deal with the life that you are living right now, in this moment. It’s going to be another sucky day at work. How do you engage with it in a way that feels like less struggle?
The word “radical” is important. Radical acceptance means all the way acceptance of things exactly as they are. It is consciously accepting your situation and working to struggle less with it. This struggle could take different forms: it could be distressing thoughts that you keep going over in your head, feelings of bitterness or cynicism, or a physical experience such as tension you hold in your body, your posture, or your facial expressions.
Why accepting reality matters
I think an important thing that radical acceptance teaches is that to reject reality does not actually change it. Actual change happens once we accept things as they are and can then start to figure out what is possible. As you build some acceptance around the pain you are in you can get some clarity about what you could do about the situation, rather than just stay in struggle mode.
Pain vs. suffering
To understand radical acceptance, it can be really helpful to consider the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is the stuff that life throws at us. People die, we get sick, jobs change, etc. Lots and lots of things happen that are out of our control, that hurt immensely, and yet we have to deal with them. Struggling with this pain is the very human response to this. We resist, we deny, we use food, substances and anything else to get away from the pain. And yet, all this struggle to avoid pain leads to more suffering. Suffering is what happens when we struggle with what is painful.
If you consider this framework of pain vs. suffering, then radical acceptance is about accepting the painful stuff that shows up in life, while reducing the struggle and suffering that often show up in response as well.
What radical acceptance isn’t
Radical acceptance doesn’t mean that you give up wanting to change something in your life. It isn’t resignation. If someone is the cause of the pain that you have to radically accept, it doesn’t mean that you have to learn to love them or have compassionate toward them. Acceptance also doesn’t mean you agree with or endorse the situation you are in.
How do you do it?
Radical acceptance is not usually as simple as just accepting something painful. Usually it is a conscious, mindful effort. DBT offers several skills that can help with creating more acceptance.
Turning the mind
Turning the mind is about moving from an automatic reaction to something that is a conscious and mindful choice. In a single moment you may find yourself experiencing the pain of a situation and moving into struggle and suffering. Turning the mind is realizing that in every single moment you have a choice. You can choose to resist or you can choose to accept. It’s a simple mindfulness practice but also very powerful.
Start by noticing that you are struggling, that you are resisting what is. Often we have a dialog going on in our minds: Why me? Why now? Why do I have to deal with this? This will never get better. This is the worst thing ever.
Stop and realize that you have a choice even with something you can’t control. Make a commitment toward acceptance of reality as it is in the present moment.
Keep choosing to accept, over and over. Consider what might help you with acceptance in the moment. A deep breath, shifting your posture, taking a walk.
Consider how you can catch yourself struggling in the future. What will help you move back to a conscious choice of acceptance?
Create willingness
Turning the mind is about making a conscious choice but that doesn’t always make the moment feel any less painful. Creating some willingness in the moment can often be helpful. Creating willingness can include a lot of different practices but all work toward staying in the present moment and reducing stuggle.
Start by noticing that in this moment, rather than being willing, you might be willful (i.e. resisting reality)
Turn your mind. Make a choice to accept.
Take steps to soften into the current situation. This could include
taking a deep breath
shifting your posture in this moment to something that feels more open and powerful
trying the half-smile, which is exactly what it sounds like. A half-smile can help you shift to a more open and accepting position
Focus on the feeling you are experiencing and use your breath to move through the feeling.
Try shifting your perpective to approach the situation differently.
A simple template for a challenging situation
Radical acceptance isn’t magic. It is a mindful practice of consciously choosing to accept what is and then practicing that acceptance. When you are faced with a situation that is painful and that you feel stuck with, try some steps to move toward accepting the pain and reducing your struggle.
Then what? Once you’ve moved away from struggle, this is often an opportunity to consider what would be effective for you. What might actually help this situation in this moment? How can you move your life forward and toward what matters to you?