Anger is neither good nor bad - it’s what you do with it.

Image of a volcano erupting. Photo by Gary Saldana on Unsplash

Anger is a challenging emotion for many people. We all know people who have blown up relationships, been fired from jobs, or kicked out of businesses because of their anger. On the other hand, some people feel it is wrong to express anger and so hold it in but still have challenges. Either they are miserable and struggling or the anger comes out as passive-aggression or in other ways that aren’t working for them.

To work with anger effectively I think it can be helpful to start with the premise that anger is neither good nor bad - it is a signal. In fact, all emotions are signals that are prompting us to take some kind of action. We can learn skills for how to relate to anger when it shows up and effective ways to deal with it.

Understanding anger as an emotion

It can be helpful to consider any emotion as an evolutionary signal. Emotions serve a survival purpose and anger stands out as particularly important. Consider the reasons someone might get angry. Most likely it is a result of something going wrong or an individual feeling wronged. Anger signals us that something isn’t right and we need to take action. In fact, anger can be the fuel that helps us to create change.

I think it can be helpful to view emotions this way, and especially anger, because in the prevailing culture we get lots of conflicting information about anger and what to do about it. On one hand we may see depictions of righteous anger but on the other we see people being punished or shamed for becoming angry. Often as children we are instructed by our parents to check our anger rather than express it and some of us get punished if we do express anger.

Of course, sometimes anger is misplaced. There not be anything wrong but we feel angry. That’s still a signal, however, they we probably need to explore further what’s happening for us. Why are we getting angry? Did someone do something wrong? Or is there another feeling lurking in the shadows like disappointment, sadness or fear?

Skills for working with anger

A type of therapy that offers many resources for working with anger is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT offers a framework for managing emotions, building more effective relationships and creating more mindfulness. Below are some DBT skills and concepts that can help with working with anger in ways that may be more workable and lead to better consequences.

Build mindfulness around anger

Building awareness around when you are angry may seem obvious but it can be a real challenge for some, especially those who have lived their lives not expressing anger. Building mindfulness around anger also helps you to catch anger when it emerges as irritation or frustration rather than when it boils over into fury or rage.

How can you do this? Start by looking for signals in the body. Often our bodies will signal anger before we even notice it. A flush to the face, tightness in the chest, clinching of fists - there are a variety of body sensations that can signal something is wrong and anger is emerging. Consider what happens to your body when you get angry. The more you know the signals the sooner you can spot anger showing up as a signal.

Problem solve around anger

A second strategy for dealing with anger is to consider what it is signaling. Remember that anger is in response to a perceived wrong or need to make something right. Anger signals that action needs to be taken. What action is needed? What problem needs to be solved? Gaining some clarity around exactly is wrong can help you figure out how best to respond rather than just react in anger.

Asking this question can often lead in two directions. Perhaps there is an obvious answer - someone did something harmful or something unfair just happened and the anger is prompting action. Other times, however, anger is a secondary emotion that occurs in response to another primary emotion. Consider how anger often follows immediately after feelings of disappointment or sadness. Even anxiety can trigger anger and irritability. Sometimes noticing anger leads to “I’m sad/depressed/scared/disappointed” or something else.

If you can notice what the anger is pointing to, then you can consider what problem solving needs to happen. Do I need to say something or do something to make this right? If anger emerges because of another feeling, would expressing that feeling help?

Distress tolerance and emotional regulation

For many people anger becomes problematic not because they are experiencing it but because of how it is expressed. Being able to regulate your anger and feeling like you’re in control of it can be an important skill.

Regulating anger isn’t about getting rid of it or stopping it but instead helping your nervous system stay in a zone where you can think clearly and make decisions that are meaningful. It’s about your brain driving the situation rather than your anger.

There are a variety of ways to work to have anger and regulate it so that it can be used effectively. Relaxation breathing is a great tool for this. Stopping whatever you are doing and taking a few deep, relaxing breaths can give you a reset and a bit of space to get back in your wise mind. Physical activity can also be helpful - taking a walk taking any actions in response to anger may give you the space to make more effective decisions.

Interpersonal effectiveness with anger

Remember that anger as an emotion isn’t bad. In fact, you likely have a good reason to feel anger. If you consider anger as a signal that something isn’t right and needs to be addressed, identifying effective ways to do this is an important step. Interpersonal effectiveness can be a great focus here. The word effective means that your behaviors actually help you meet your goals. With anger it means behaving in ways or expressing anger in ways that you actually address the problem at hand.

A good way to start is to consider what you might hope to achieve and what outcomes you are looking for. Shutting the other person down or starting a fight isn’t typically effective. Recall that anger is a signal to address something that is wrong. Consider actions that you can take that will actually get you what you need.

It can be helpful to consider practicing with this like a fire drill. With a fire drill you identify and rehearse the behaviors that will keep you safe in the event of a fire. With anger it can be useful to consider a common scenario where anger shows up and identify and practice words and behaviors that feel more effective. Then you need to practice them so that you have a greater chance of recalling them in a moment of anger.

Anger itself is neither inherently good nor bad; it's the actions we take in response to it that matter. Anger can be a difficult emotion to manage, leading some to explosive behaviors that have significant consequences, while others suppress it, causing internal distress and passive-aggressive tendencies. Viewing anger as a signal, rather than a negative emotion, can help. Emotions, including anger, prompt us to take action and address issues. Ultimately, developing a mindful and strategic approach to anger can lead to healthier and more effective interactions.