How to Cope Ahead with Difficult Situations
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Therapy can be a place for deep introspection and healing and it can also be highly practical and strategic. I think often it’s a mixture of both as clients work toward their goals. Frequently when working with clients the question comes up: how can I deal with a situation more effectively that never seems to go well for me? it could be something where you regret how you acted in the past or that felt absolutely miserable for you. There are a variety of meaningful reasons for choosing to engage again but it would be great if it could just go better for you.
Coming up with a strategy for dealing with a challenging situation, learning how to cope ahead rather than just improvise, can be a powerful tool for feeling more effective in challenging situations and also to stay more emotionally regulated and present. This strategy, coping ahead, is a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) skill that can be applied to many different situations.
Consider something that is coming up in your life that is challenging. It could be that you find yourself acting in ways that you don’t like, or find yourself having difficulty managing your emotions, or you would just like to have a better experience next time. Rather than waiting until you’re in the situation to figure out how to cope with what feels hard, try some planning and cope ahead.
The steps for coping ahead:
Describe the situation
The first step in coping ahead is to describe the situation that is challenging for you. I think a good way to consider this is to picture watching a movie of your life and describing the scene that is challenging. What is the setting? Who are the players in the scene? Then describe moment by moment what you predict will happen and where it becomes a problem for you. When you notice things becoming problematic, take a moment to inventory what emotions and thoughts are likely to show up and what challenging behaviors might happen that move you in the wrong direction.
When noticing your thoughts and emotions that you predict will come up it can also be helpful to check the facts about the situation. Checking the facts is another DBT skill that is really helpful. It is simply an exercise in noting what about the situation is based in facts that you know are true and what are things that you are assuming or supposing about the situation that may or may not be correct. If you notice that there is something about the situation you are assuming without actual facts to back it up, that can be helpful to consider as you plan how to cope ahead.
Decide what coping skills you will need
Once you’ve got a good idea of the situation that is challenging and the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that make it challenging you can then decide what coping skills or problem solving you want to use. This step is about brainstorming and creativity. Consider what might help the situation and what you would be willing to try.
An important aspect of identifying coping skills is to be specific. For example, if you determine that you need to better handle your emotions in order to respond to someone who makes you angry, just saying “I need to stay calm in the situation” isn’t enough. What, specifically, will you do to stay calm in that moment when you begin to feel anger? What specific coping skills might help with this?
Imagine the future situation
After you have identified coping skills it is important to move out of the theoretical and actually visualize it. This is where your imagination is important. Rather than imagine watching the situation like a movie, imagine yourself being in the situation in the present moment, noticing the thoughts and feelings that come up. Allow yourself to feel the feelings, notice the thoughts, pay attention to the sensations in your body, and even notice the urges to act in ways that might be problematic.
Rehearse your coping skills
As you notice thoughts, feelings, urges, or body sensations come up in the present moment then take the time to rehearse coping with the situation. This means actually practicing the coping skill you’ve identified and seeing how it works. This is important because if the coping skill you try isn’t as helpful as you hoped, you have the opportunity to brainstorm some more and try something else.
There are a number of ways to rehearse. You could walk though what specific actions you will take or what you will say and how you might say it. You can rehearse what you can do if something unpredictable happens that you aren’t expecting. One of the most helpful ways to rehearse is to consider your most feared outcome - what is the most catastrophic thing you think may happen? Then rehearse how you could deal with it.
Continue to use your imagination to work through the situation and rehearse your coping skills until you feel confident that you are ready to cope with the situation. After this expercise don’t forget to take a moment to relax. This is hard work and can leave you dysregulated so take some time to move into relaxation breathing or exercise or another coping skill that helps you find some calm.
Coping ahead allows you to develop practical strategies for handling challenging situations. By using skills like coping ahead, you can prepare to navigate difficult moments with greater emotional regulation and confidence. Describing the challenging situation, identifying and rehearsing coping skills, and imagining oneself in the scenario using the skills can empower you face challenges more effectively. By coping ahead, you can shift potentially distressing situations into opportunities for growth and better outcomes.