What is IFS? Getting to know all of your parts
Photo by Andy Holmes on Unsplash
I am of two minds about this.
This is a common phrase. Usually we say this when we have some kind of internal conflict about something. A part of me sees things one way and another part of me sees things differently. A part of me really wants to go out and do something fun and a part of me wants to stay on the couch. A part of me really likes my job and another part of me really doesn’t like my boss.
It can be helpful to consider this idea that we are made up of a number of parts because as human beings we are complex. We have parts of ourselves that get angry easily, that always seem a little uneasy or vigilant, or that would rather stay in bed than face the day. The more we can be mindful of these internal parts and how they show up and influence our behavior that more we can move toward a life that feels meaningful.
A type of psychotherapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help us understand parts and how they work. Even the phrase gives a clue: inside of us, our psychology, we have a family of parts that all interact with each other, much like an actual family. This family forms a system. Understanding this system, this internal family, can be really helpful. Just like in families, some parts may be very noisy and influential and others more quiet. Some parts might be in conflict with each other (we literally say I’m conflicted about what to do). Other parts feel really powerful and think that ice cream is the best way to solve a lot of problems.
Defining parts
Think of a part as a distinctive experience inside of you. Consider something recent that was (mildly) distressing to you. What do you start to notice? Most likely you will start to notice feelings, thoughts, body sensations, memories, or urges. Perhaps you only notice one experience like anxiety or you might notice several like anxiety, and anger, and relief. Each of these experiences is a part of you.
We are born as a system of parts and new ones continue to emerge as we develop and experience life. Some parts feel pretty straightforward and even joyful. You might notice that a part of you has always enjoyed being creative or another part of you has always been up for an adventure.
Other parts might feel burdened. A part of you that feels uneasy in social situations might be burdened with a belief that there is something wrong with you and that others are judging you. A part of you that starts to feel uneasy when someone you care about doesn’t text you back may be burdened with a belief that people always abandon you.
Noticing the parts that show up and what they struggle with can be a very helpful mindfulness practice. You can start by simply framing your experience with “a part of me …” A part of me feels sad. A part of me believes that I’ll never amount to anything. A part of me is really uncomfortable right now.
All parts are good
I often work with clients who find using parts language helpful but then ask how they can get rid of the “problematic” parts. They are tired of struggling with the part that doesn’t feel at ease in social situations. They might be scared of the angry part that blows up sometimes. I think it can be really helpful to consider that rather than being problematic, these parts are often either burdened with a belief that no longer makes sense (e.g. people are judging me in social situations) or are trying to help (something bad is happening and getting angry will protect me).
Parts typically fall into several categories that can be helpful for better understanding your experience. I talk more about this here.
Some parts act like managers. Their job is to protect and make sure things go OK, even though the job is exhausting and never ends. A great example of a manager part is a part that worries constantly about everything. A worrier part will spend all day going over all the possible things that could go wrong, chewing on thoughts over and over, just to make sure everything goes OK and nothing bad happens. This part is trying to manage a situation that could go bad.
Other parts act like firefighters. If you think about it, a firefighter’s job is to put out a fire, even if it causes water damage to the building. A part that acts like a firefighter will try to save you from something painful, even if it has damaging consequences. An example could be an addiction part. This part will sense something painful is happening and will push use of a substance as a way to not feel pain. It works, but causes other problems.
Exiles are parts that have often been around since childhood that hold burdens about themselves and the world. As an example, if a child loses a parent, they may internalize an experience that they will be abandoned, that people they love will leave. This child can grow up to be a high functioning adult, but could still have this part of them, this exiled part of themselves that feels the world isn’t really safe and that the people they love will go away.
Finally, there are also unburdened parts. These are the parts of ourselves that don’t hold challenging beliefs and are eager to engage in the world. The part of ourselves that may love music or being outdoors. The part that loves connecting with others. Sometimes it can be hard to connect with these parts in a family system where other parts get lots of attention or need lots of care.
Who’s noticing all of this? The self.
As you consider all of these parts that show up, don’t forget that there is someone doing all the noticing. That is the self. Your self can observe all of these internal family dynamics and parts and, here’s the cool part: can begin to lead them. In fact, the work of therapy is often around building the ability for the self to notice the parts that are showing up and begin to relate to them in new ways.
It can be hard to define a sense of self in this work but there are some helpful ways to understand if you’re coming from your self, rather than a part. A sense of calm and centeredness is often present. You might notice yourself feeling compassionate or curious toward the parts that are showing up. When we are experiencing our self we often can feel some clarity about what is happening and courage about how to live.
The parts make up a family
Remember the word family here. Life happens and it impacts members of the family. An uncomfortable social situation is a great example. If you find yourself in a social situation, an unburdened part of you that wants connection might be happy to hopefully meet some cool people and make a friend. At the same time, another member of your family, a young exile that has always felt there is something wrong with you and that other people are judging you, starts to get really uncomfortable about what is happening. So then another family member, the sparkling conversation manager, tries to help the young exile feel better by making conversation. However, the young exile doesn’t feel better from all this sparkling conversation so the alcohol firefighter says it’s time to get some liquid courage.
Meanwhile there is the self. Sometimes the self can feel hidden in all of this and life just seems to be happening, you feel uncomfortable, you try to make conversation and then you grab a drink or three. Other times, self is present and you can notice what is happening and not struggle with it as much.
How do I work with this?
The concept of working with parts can be a new one but can really offer some hope of a new and helpful way of dealing with stuff (parts) we struggle with .
I’ll be talking in the next post about how you can become more mindful of all of these parts, support them, and also build a sense of self that can lead and help guide situations like the one above.