Working with your parts using IFS

Blurred image of people on a street. Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

“I wish I could get rid of this anxiety / worry / shame / anger, etc..”

I hear this from many of my clients. If you’ve struggled with anxiety or other experiences for many years there is a sincere wish to get away from it, be done with it, push it away. And yet, nothing seems to do the trick. An anxious thought pops into your mind and it is impossible to get rid of or stop it. If you live with anxiety then you know that it is likely that you will run into something in the future that will make you anxious.

This is where I think IFS (Internal Family Systems) and parts work can be so helpful. If you can’t get rid of anxiety then how can you work with it? Is it possible to relate to your anxiety or other experiences in ways that cause less struggle and suffering? What if you could relate to experiences like anxiety in ways that could actually be healing? What if you could actually befriend your anxiety?

In the last post I discussed the concept of parts and how parts show up. You could have an anxious exile part that always feels uneasy around people or a worrying manager part that is always trying to figure out what could possibly go wrong or a firefighter part that knows that food is the only thing that makes you really feel better. Read more about these here.

Creating some space from your parts

Working with parts starts with noticing them. But first, what happens when you don’t notice a part? This is a frequent experience for every human. Something happens in the world around you that triggers an anxious part of you and you feel anxious. You experience life through that part. And that part of you may have many memories of feeling anxious and ways of seeing the world as a scary place. In IFS the term for this is “blended.” You are blended with this part of yourself. And being blended with your parts is that very common human experience of “I’m so anxious right now.”

Notice what happens if you shift your language to “I’m noticing that a part of me is feeling anxious.” This is powerful because it begins to create space from the anxious part. We are starting to speak from the self that can observe from a more calm and centered place. We call this experiencing “unblending”: rather than being meshed or fused with the part and experiencing life solely from this part, we can unblend from and create some space to observe the part. The part is still struggling but we begin to see that we are more than just this part.

How can you be more mindful of your parts?

The simplest place to start is often with a small shift in your language. When you notice yourself feeling anxious or notice yourself worrying a lot, rather than say “I’m anxious” or “I’m worried” try changing your language to “a part of me is feeling really anxious and another part of me is worrying a lot right now”. This helps you to start creating some space where you can observe the part.

You can deepen this practice by shifting your attention to your body. Where do you notice this part in your body and what does it feel like? Hold some curiosity about how you experience it. What sensations do you feel? An angry part can feel hot or prickly. Anxious parts might feel like pressure or tightness. Just notice what you are experiencing without judgement.

Attending to your parts

Once you begin to notice a part, you can start to attend to it. We attend to people we care about. If someone important to you was upset, you would bring your attention to them to find out what was bothering them, what they were concerned about, etc. Attending to someone means being curious and nonjudgmental. As you notice a part of you, hold curiosity around what is happening for it. Why is this part of you upset? What is happening for this part of you?

Hold this sense of curiosity and listen. Often you can begin to see shifts in how your part is reacting. Sometimes you might notice a feeling shift or decrease in intensity. Sometimes parts just feel relieved to feel seen.

Who’s doing all this noticing? The self

I mentioned holding some curiosity as you notice your parts. Who is doing this noticing and staying curious? The you that can observe your parts is your self. Your self has always been there, even if sometimes it can be hard to experience it when you feel really angry or anxious, etc.

The self can do more than just notice, however. The self can also help support a distressed part, can lead the part and help heal it. You already probably know this intuitively from relationships with others. If someone you care about is distressed, you listen to them, you support them, you might help them figure out a problem, and they may start to feel better. Our relationships with others can be very healing and so can your self relationship to your parts.

How do you know if you’re working from your self? We use words that begin with “C” to describe this. A sense of calmness or centeredness. Feeling some clarity about what is happening. Feeling creative about how you can work with this part. Having compassion for the pain the part is experiencing. Even feeling confident that you will be OK can originate from this sense of self.

How do you move forward with this?

Simply using the language of parts: “A part of me feels…” can be a powerful experience that begins to create some space to unblend from a part. Holding some curiosity and compassion can often help a part feel better and begin to heal.

Sometimes parts can have more pain or feel more confused or blocked off and it can feel hard to know how to help. That’s where therapy can be useful. Therapy can be a place to work more deeply with parts, especially parts that have experienced trauma or that are easily overwhelmed. The good news is that it is possible to work with your parts and help them heal. There is hope for a different experience and a different way of living.