How to be effective in relationships (especially at the holidays)

Image of tree branches. Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Happy holidays!

The holidays are stressful for many people. Expectations are different at this time of year and time can feel compressed. Many of us live with the paradox of wanting to engage in lots of activities with lots of people and at the same time hoping for quiet time to reflect and recharge. For some general thoughts on how to cope with this time of year check out my holiday mental health cheatsheet. In this post, I focus on how to make your relationships and interactions with others more effective and satisfying, especially during the holidays.

Relationships take work. Holidays can make the work harder.

You might love all of the opportunities to connect with others at this time of year. Or you might dread it. The holiday season can be draining not only because of the amount of time you might be spending with others, but also because of the expectations you hold or that others hold for you. And, of course, the holidays often mean interacting with people who you might find challenging - family members you disagree with, individuals who push your buttons, etc.

Building healthier relationships takes some planning and likely some changes in how you engage with others. A cardinal rule of improving relationship effectiveness is that you can’t change someone else’s behavior but you can change your own.

What does an effective relationship look like for you?

One of my favorite approaches for dealing with the holidays (or any other kind of stressful interaction) is to give some time and thought to how you can cope ahead. Coping ahead is a really helpful skill from Dialectical and Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and it can be really useful this time of year.

Coping ahead is about figuring out what you want from a relationship interaction, identifying what might be problematic for you, and then taking steps to address it, even before you engage.

Consider an upcoming social event that might leave you feeling anxious or uneasy.

What is meaningful about this? Why am I choosing to engage in this relationship and/or event in the first place? How does it line up with my values?

What do I want from this interaction? What outcome do I hope for?

What is going to work for me? What isn’t? What are my boundaries?

How do I want the other person to feel about me? How do I want to feel about myself?

It can be helpful to give a little thought to what exactly you’re hoping for in this relationship before you engage in it.

Imagine coping ahead

So how do you cope ahead? Consider an upcoming social interaction that feels like it will be challenging for you.

Start by describing the scene.

Imagine you were watching a movie of this interaction. What would you see? Who would be the cast and what would they be doing? What would the setting be? Get really specific about how you anticipate things will be.

Now press play and watch the movie for a bit. What would happen? Where would it become problematic for you? Pause the movie there and consider what happens for you in that moment. What are your thoughts and feelings as the plot unfolds. Where do things get hard for you? What action urges do you have that might not be helpful? What memories do you notice of previous interactions that were painful?

Watch for black and white thinking about this situation - black and white thinking is either all good or all bad and doesn’t leave much room for new possibilities. “It always goes this way.” “Things never work out with them.” “We will never be able to fix this.” Is that true? Is it always true? Are there other possible outcomes?

Decide which coping skills are going to help you.

Now that you’ve identified what gets challenging for you, what will help you cope? This is the time to brainstorm. What are ways that you can address challenging emotions and thoughts or urges to react in ways that aren’t helpful? Write down a list of coping skills that could help.

Coping skills can encompass lots of things including how to stay calm when other people upset you, how to say no effectively or to express what you need, or how to navigate conflict. Anything that helps you feel good about how you interact with others can be a coping skill.

Sometimes you can’t come up with anything when you brainstorm. This is a good opportunity to get some support. Ask for help. How would someone you trust handle this? Perhaps a trusted family member or friend, or your therapist!

Come up with more than one skill that will help you cope. I think its helpful to have a number of coping skills to try.

Imagine the situation

Now shift from thinking about the situation to experiencing it. Take a moment, close your eyes, and really let the movie play out before your eyes. Imagining that the interaction is happening right here, right now. Allow yourself to come in contact with some of the things that might potentially upset you or cause you to react in less than effective ways. Imagine it is happening in the present, not at some abstract time in the future.

Rehearse your coping skills.

Stay in this imagining place and now rehearse your coping skills. See what it feels like to try them out - how do you feel? Is it helpful? Do you find yourself getting stuck? Try another skill, modify the skill - see what might help you as you rehearse. Keep trying skills until you feel good about how you might cope.

Imagine what you would say to the other person and how you would say it. How does this feel?

Then, think about the worst possible thing that could happen and imagine yourself using your coping skills with this scenario. Are you able to cope and get to an outcome that feels good for you?

Come back into the present and relax.

This is hard work. I’m suggesting you actually put your mind into a state that doesn’t feel comfortable. Once you are done rehearsing your coping skills take some time to relax and soothe yourself.

Now consider how you feel after doing this. Do you feel more confident about being able to cope? The benefit of doing this exercise is that you can build some confidence and identify your strengths. Sometimes after the exercise you might realize you need more skills and support to navigate this interaction successfully.

Approach the holidays feeling skillful

I think that coping ahead is so helpful because it moves us from feeling passive and powerless in our interactions with others to taking an active role in making our relationships work better. What actions will lead you to feeling more effective in your relationships, especially at this time of year?

I wish you a peaceful holiday season.