A Holiday Mental Health Cheatsheet (pandemic edition)

Image of blurred lights. Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

What. A. Year.

Every year I post some thoughts on how to sustain mental health during the holiday season. This year brings the usual holiday stressors and anxieties, as well as new ones. The holidays will not be the same this year for many people. This may be good news for some but even more stressful for others. And this comes as a year of pandemic fatigue, election fatigue, and a variety of other overwhelming experiences continue.

Whatever you are experiencing as 2020 comes to a close, taking a proactive stance can make your holidays more enjoyable and more meaningful. Here are some ideas for continuing to adapt rather than react as we move into the holidays.

Get clear on your values and take some action

Start by considering what actually makes the holidays meaningful for you. When all is said and done, what do you want this time of year to be about? Perhaps you value connecting with others, volunteering your time, or engaging in religious or spiritual practices. Even during a pandemic when so much isn’t available to you, you can still move your life in a valued direction.

Taking action that moves you in the direction of your values may take some creativity this year. It’s understandable to focus on what isn’t the same and even grieve what you have lost this year because of the pandemic. Even with all of that, what is available to you? What actions, however small, would feel meaningful? One way to consider this is to fast-forward to January. Imagine the holidays are over and 2021 has commenced. When you look back at the holiday season, what would you see that would make the time feel rich and vital?

Happy holidays are about holding boundaries and asking for what you need

Usually when I consider holding boundaries at the holidays, I’m thinking about how we can maintain emotional health and well-being as we navigate all of the relationships and all of the expectations that happen at this time. This year, being able to communicate and hold boundaries is about physical health as well as emotional health. Simply put: some people you care about and want to spend time with may have a different idea of how to prevent spreading an infectious disease. Communicating what you are willing to do and what you aren’t is important. What makes holding a boundary challenging is that you will likely experience difficult emotions yourself or your loved one will express their own emotions in reaction to your boundary. Holding a boundary is about being willing to have a difficult emotional reaction because, ultimately, the boundary will preserve your mental and physical health.

This is often easier said than done. If you anticipate a conflict with someone you care about, there are a few ways that you can prepare. First, consider what is negotiable and what isn’t. It can be really helpful to be clear around this in the first place. Second, practice what you will say and how you will say it. Holding a boundary can start with a statement of appreciation and love, then expressing a need or what is important to you, and finally stating your boundary or your “ask.”

Here’s an example: “I really want to spend some time with you for the holidays and you matter a great deal to me. I need to stay safe and am concerned about becoming infected. Because of this, I will only be able to meet with you by video.”

If even considering doing something like this brings up anxiety and overwhelm, then perhaps try the third part of holding a boundary - identifying ways to soothe yourself in the moment. Relaxation breathing can help you to regulate your emotions, as can role playing your conversation with a trusted friend. Get comfortable with saying what you need to say and identify ways to stay calm while you are saying it.

Create some new rituals

The holidays are often about rituals, some of which may be meaningful to you and others that might feel like obligations. In addition, many rituals you participate in at the holidays are not available because of COVID. This is an area where being proactive rather than reactive can be helpful. Start by creating some acceptance that this year will be different. Then consider what rituals are important to you. What is valuable about them? Consider that rituals are usually actions that evoke some meaning for you. What other actions are available to you that would also bring about meaning? Maybe you aren’t able to physically connect with loved ones this year. If you consider that the meaningful connection is what matters, how can you connect with loved ones in other ways?

Another way to be proactive is to consider creating completely new rituals this year that mark this time as different and special. Again, the action you take isn’t as important as the meaning it creates.

Pay attention to the present moment

Even though things have changed significantly this year for many, the holidays can still be a busy and hectic time. Creating opportunities to move your attention back into the present can be helpful both for creating a sense of calm but also for helping you to find the resources you need to address whatever you’re facing. Creating space where you feel present and in control can be really useful when things get overwhelming. A simple way to move into the present is to engage your senses.

Take some time to build internal resources

As the year comes to a close, you may feel depleted, exhausted or overwhelmed. For many cultures, the winter is a time for quiet and contemplation. It can be an opportunity to slow down and look inward. I think it can also be a time to build some internal resources that can sustain you and build resilience for when times are stressful.

How do you build internal resources? An easy way to start is by intentionally focusing on and creating some gratitude around what is available to you, what is working in your life, and bringing to mind the people and places that bring you peace and calm. You can bring these things to mind, visualize them, appreciate them and even breath and relax as you contemplate them.

Why does this matter? Because our brains are wired to focus on the hard stuff. We can zero in on what is going wrong, what is missing and what is problematic in our lives. It takes effort to also focus on what is positive and working. However, when we intentionally bring our focus to these positive resources we strengthen the neural connections in our brain that allow us to access them. The stronger the connection the easier it is to access these positive resources!

Happy holidays to you and best wishes for 2021!