IFS - How to start using Internal Family Systems in your own life

Image of a hand place square pieces of paper in a grid formation. Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

What is Internal Family Systems?

First, I think of Internal Family Systems (IFS) as a really helpful framework for understanding ourselves. Building mindfulness of what is actually going on for you as you interact with others and engage with the world can be powerful. The phrase “Internal Family Systems” describes the basic framework. All families and all relationships are systems. The individual members are the parts of the system and these parts interact and influence the other parts. You already know this from your family or friendship groups. Some members are louder and some are quieter, some members don’t get along. Some group members are assertive and others avoid asking for what they need. IFS suggests that just like we have individuals who are part of a family system, our internal experience works the same way. We have parts of ourselves that experience things and interact with other parts.

We are made up of parts

The simplest example is something we use in everyday language: “I’m of two minds about something.” A part of you may like the financial security of your job and the progress you’re making in your career but another part of may really not like the work and want to find a new job. These parts could even be in conflict with each other and you might notice a lot of struggle around this.

This ability to relate to the parts of ourselves that struggle is really useful. In the example above, a part of you likes what your job provides but another part really struggles with the work. Being able to bring some attention to this part, better understand why it struggles with the work, what it fears around the work, etc. can help reduce struggle and also help you figure out what actions to take.

Ultimately, IFS is a method for healing ourselves. An example would be someone who wants to build relationship with others but who struggles with social anxiety. A part of this person wants to connect with others but another part worries about how they are being perceived. So then a third part steps in and says you should stay home to stay safe. IFS allows us to work with the part that worries about being perceived poorly by others and to work with the part that feels the best way to handle this is to stay home. Ultimately, by connecting better with these internal parts we can then connect better with others.

Want to start using IFS? Here are some practices to get started.

Unblending

One important practice you can start with is simply to notice that you have a system of parts and work to create some space to be able to see and understand them. In IFS this is called “unblending” and it is what it sounds like - we go through life “blended” with a part that feels anxious and can’t stop worrying or a part that feels angry and thinks the best way to handle things is to lash out at others. When you are blended you just experience the worrisome thoughts or find yourself lashing out in anger. Being able to notice when this happens and create some space can be very helpful. Using language such as “a part of me feels anxious” or “my angry part wants to lash out” can help you to unblend from parts and create space to figure out what might be a more effective response.

Witnessing

Consider if a friend was struggling and needed support. They likely wouldn’t need advice or fixing, they would need someone to listen and be present. As they felt heard they might feel less distress. This is healing.

We can do this for our parts that are struggling as well. Once you notice a part and can work to unblend from it, give it some attention. See if you can hold a curious stance without judgement. What is this part experiencing? What is it concerned about? What does it need? As you hold some curiosity and connect with your parts, you may find the part becomes less distressed or you may find yourself feeling more compassionate with this part that has been struggling.

Building self-energy

Building the capacity to stay calm, to have clarity, to feel connected to your parts comes from the concept of “self.” You likely get that there is the “you” that observes, that notices. This you, the self, can also attend to and heal parts that are struggling. It can be helpful to think of self as who you are at your core.

The capacity to be calm and centered and have clarity and compassion is described as self-energy. How can you build self-energy? How can you access your self? There are a variety of practices that you can try. Meditation is a great place to start - simple insight or vipassana meditation where you pay attention to your breath and notice your thoughts (or in this case, your parts) can be very helpful. For some, spiritual practices build self-energy by connecting with some concept of a greater power. Physical activities like yoga can also help ground you in your body and help you feel a sense of centeredness and calm, i.e. the self.

When should you see a therapist?

All of the above practices can help in reducing struggle in your system and building self-energy. But in some circumstances therapy can be a very helpful way to work with and heal your parts. For example, you may find it difficult to unblend from a part. You get overwhelmed and feel as if you’re being hijacked by the part and it seems impossible to find a sense of self. Also, some parts may have experienced trauma in the past that can feel challenging to address. Therapy can help with learning how to unblend from parts that are overwhelming, as well as work with traumatic experiences that a part experienced. Therapy can be a place to get support in building self-energy so that you can then work with your parts and help heal them.