Emotional Regulation 101: How to Handle Big Feelings in a Crisis

Image of fireworks. Photo by Alexander Kagan on Unsplash

In previous posts I’ve explored about how it can be useful to view emotions as signals. I’ve also discussed how acceptance of your internal experience, including your emotions, is so important to being able to live a meaningful life. 

Sometimes, emotions feel too big, too overwhelming, to just accept them.

I think it’s important to normalize this and even start to see that emotions run on a scale from mild to overwhelming. Anger can range from annoyance to rage. Anxiety can start with mild concern and move all the way to panic. We can handle the mild stuff and usually get on with our lives. But what happens when emotions get so big and overwhelming that it feels impossible to get some space from them?

Often when we experience really big emotions we struggle with having them, try to make them go away, or try to muddle through with whatever we are doing when we became triggered. We react to our strong emotions in ways that aren’t effective or that lead to the outcome we want. We can get hijacked by our emotions and regret the consequences. 

Big emotions mean the sympathetic nervous system is active

It can be helpful to consider that when emotions get big, our nervous system is getting activated, specifically our sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is the system that tells us something big is happening and we need to act. It is the system that engages us to fight, take flight, or freeze. 

The challenge is that when the sympathetic nervous system is activated, our thinking brains often shut down. We aren’t as effective as we could be in dealing with the situation at hand. The sympathetic nervous system is designed to help us survive a threat, not to consider what might most be meaningful or helpful in the moment. 

When you are experiencing a big and overwhelming emotion (on a scale of 0-10 think 8, 9, or 10) a key strategy that can help is to work directly to address your nervous system response rather than try to confront the situation that is happening or try to manage the challenging thoughts, feelings and other experiences you are having. It is best to start by regulating the nervous system and get to a less emotionally overwhelming state before taking action. 

Engage the parasympathetic nervous system

How can you do this? By engaging the parasympathic nervous system! The parasympathetic nervous system is the system that lets the body know things are OK and that we can relax, eat, sleep and stop preparing to fight or run away or stay vigilant. This is also when your thinking brain can get activated and you can actually do something about your situation, handle your emotions, overwhelming thoughts, etc. 

The good news is that you can engage the parasympathetic nervous system in a variety of ways. 

Emotional regulation skills

grounding

One of the easiest ways to begin to engage your relaxation response is to ground yourself in your body by utilizing your five senses. Here an easy to remember grounding exercise for when you are feeling overwhelmed: 

Stop what you are doing, take a deep breath and engage your senses. 
What are five things you can see?
What are four things you can hear?
What are three things you can feel?
What are two things you can smell? 
What is one thing you can taste?

This simple practice can help you move back into your body and calm your nervous system.

progressive muscle relaxation

Progressive muscle relaxation is a simple relaxation technique that can be really helpful. You can tense and release whole areas of your body or very specific muscle groups depending on how much time you have. 

There are a number of written and audio scripts available online to guide you through this exercise, including here and here. 

relaxation breathing

Your breath is a great resource for dealing with overwhelming emotions. There are a variety of breathing exercises that can help engage the parasympathetic nervous system. A key point is that the exhalation engages the parasympathetic nervous system and helps you relax. Breathing techniques that lengthen and slow down the exhalation can be very helpful. Here are some techniques you can try.

exercise

Exercise is always great for mental health and well being and if you’re feeling overwhelmed by emotions, exercise can be very helpful. One caveat, while all exercise is helpful, more intense exercise (i.e. raising your heart rate, breaking a sweat, breathing vigorously) usually can help regulate overwhelming emotions. 

cold water - the diver response

One of my favorite ways to deal with overwhelming feelings is to initiate the diver response. If you dive into a body of water, your parasympathetic nervous system kicks in automatically to adjust to the change in temperature. Your heart rate and breathing slow down. You may experience a calming sensation. While you most likely will not be able to dive into water when you are feeling overwhelmed, you can stimulate the diver response with cold water. The easiest way to do this is to put a bag of ice or frozen peas over your face and forehead and hold for 30 seconds. This can quickly calm your nervous system and bring your emotions to a more manageable place.

Emotional regulation gets you back in control

Once your nervous system has regulated a bit and your emotional reaction has come down to a more workable level, you have many more options. You can address what is bringing up the emotional reaction you are experiencing, you can choose behaviors that are meaningful, you can skillfully navigate the situation you are in. It may seem counterintuitive to not address what is going on and start with your nervous system but doing so can lead to a much more effective response.